Sat down to watch this “blockbuster” last weekend and from the out set I have to say I wasn’t really expecting much. And to the movie’s credit, it delivered. I’d say I was disappointed, but when you have a preconceived notion that the film you’re about to watch will be shit and it turns out that it is shit, well how can you be disappointed?
I’m a movie fan, and I hate it when people, critics or whoever, say that a movie was shit because this guy didn’t know how to direct, or this chick can’t act or what ever. I like to sit down, switch off my reality chip and just enjoy 2 or so hours of someone’s story. I don’t usually care care if the hero doesn’t stop to reload, he’s using “Hollywood Bullets” that’s cool, I don’t care. I don’t usually care, if scientists have made a cure for cancer that turns out to be a virus that mutates humans in to grotesque monsters. It’s a movie, it’s designed to free you from your boring mundane life for 2 hours and hopefully make you smile.
Unfortunately I’m going to turn into one of “those” movie critics. On this site, I’m usually going to tell you about movies that I really enjoyed, because I’m hoping that you’ll watch them and get the same amount of enjoyment out of them that I did. I want to share movies that make me feel good. I can’t see much point writing about movies that sucked, but damn it, this is a public service announcement. I’ve seen it, and I’m writing this review in the hopes that you don’t see it, that you don’t waste your time, that I some how save you 2 hours of your life, 2 hours that I’ll never get back!
I have to wonder what they were thinking when the producers of this movie said, “Let’s turn the classic board game Battleship! into a feature film!”. Honestly I think “Guess Who” would have made a better movie. “Does your person have big black eyes?” “Yes!“, “Does he have have green skin?” “Yes!“, “Is it an alien?”, “Yes!“… “Aaahhh!! Fuck! Run!”
Rumour has it that more movie board games are coming to a cinema near you. Monopoly and Cluedo are said to be in production. Really? Who wants to see a movie about some guy stealing money out of the bank tray while you’re in the toilet and then claims that he earned that money honestly? And I can just see the cool subplot where the group argues if you should get any money for landing on Free Parking? And do you really want to waste 2 hours of your life wondering if Col. Mustard killed our victim in the study with a lead pipe? No. Then again, I’d be keen to see Miss Scarlet, tied up in the bedroom with the rope, but that’s probably being saved for the XXX parody.
I guess in the end, I don’t want to see any board game turned in to a major motion picture. Pretty sure there’s plenty more untapped movie ideas out there Hollywood. You just need to give movie lovers a go. Let the people that watch the movies tell you what they want to see, and I can tell you right now, it aint Battleship!
I’m giving this trash half a popcorn, only because I need to give it some kind of rating.
If you’ve you seen Transformers, An Officer and a Gentleman, Pearl Harbour, McHale’s Navy, War of the Worlds, and the Jetsons, then you’ve already seen this!